***

I don't know where to begin so much has happened since the last blog, I'm having another boy I give up on my dreams of having a baby girl :/ *it is what it is*. I'm due in 6 weeks I'm trying my best to make a way for me and my kids the father is selfish, not involved, and doesn't know what the hell he wants to do. I've been battling depression, financial woes, and sadness during this pregnancy is trying to weigh me down.. It's like I can only depend on myself and the lord I pray he brings me out of this & open up doors . . . There's so much I want to write but I'm just to hurt, angry, and irritated to put it into words . . . I pray my next entry is better than this one . . . 

One Love <3 , Pray for me ,

Bring It All Together Oh Lord

Tryna live by faith & not by frustration

Hey , 

it's been forever there is so much I want to say but I do not know if I can put it all into words. 
1)I'm pregnant 12 weeks as of today ; I still cannot believe it myself. I'm not ready for another baby at all I never thought I could love another besides my son but I WILL have TOO ! since I'm keeping it. 
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2)I'm not living with my mom but I'm not living in a better place either so I'm looking for a nice little apartment for me and the kids to live in for the meantime, then afterward(s) get on and out of California. I don't have any help here so I would like to just get on my own two feet start over , do better for me and my kids.
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3)The dad is happy . . . but I know for a fact that it is not going to work out for us this pregnancy was a complete accident !!! He does not have my back , cannot be trusted, and just does not seem to be making it a priority to get us a place together this baby is not going to wait on us to get our shit together so why should I . . . . 
I wish I could just skip this part of my life and have a perfect or better than what I have reality like my girl Carrie Bradshaw -or- Terri Van Adams....But better days come when they want to not overnight right. Besides me freaking out about this . . . Wishing I had emotional support from my mom but I don't .... sometimes I wonder if I came from a two-parent home would I still be going through the same shit I 'm going through with family. 
I promise I WILL NOT BE THE PARENT TO WHERE MY KIDS THINK I'M NOT THERE FOR THEM.... 

On a brighter side ,I am looking forward to putting Kayden in school when we get settled. He's too smart to be home with me he's my first born so I want him to excel at everything in L.I.f.e. 
I still cannot believe I'm pregnant maybe it will all feel real to me when I feel those little baby kicks. 

Anyways , not going to take up to much of anyone's time please keep me and my babies in prayer hopefully when I'm back on here it'll be good news.

Up's & Down's

mood:I wish. . . Let's Just Jump into this
song:B SIMONE X SUMMER 16

I can't be replaced. My personality mixed with my ambition+vision is too foreign.-ME

It's been a minute (not a long minute) since I've written something . . . I haven't been inspired to write anything lately . . . but I guess tonight is the night to get it off my chest . . . Thing(s) between Lloyd (from the last blog) has been up and down . . . In my mind I just wish he could stop upsetting me, buy me something, and just show me he's the real deal. I wish to Heaven he would so I could just go away with him and have an epic summer 16 too bad things just don't work that way. . . 

Guys from my past has been hitting me up thinking I'm the type of girl to creep with & I'm far from that. . . I wish I could find someone who's on the same level as me. . . who gets excited by just seeing me happy . . . I know life is not full of fairytales & bubble gum but sometimes I wish because I could use a break from being guarded and untrusting. . . I guess God wants me to just continue to wait it out and maybe one day he'll send me the sign when I find something real . . . 

I know the truth sets your thoughts FREE but sometimes It's hard for me to tell a guy what I want. Because I feel they always won't fit the bill & 9 times out of 10 they don't so I just keep my mouth shut. At times like this I feel like I was like other girls who would be able to settle but I can't I just want a guy to see what I see in myself. . . but then again I'm proud of myself for not settling because I grow more just by waiting for 'THAT GUY' to show up in the meantime I'm working on myself so I can be 'That Girl' not only the one he wants but needs. . . WELL THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO SAY . . . I SHOULD BE GOING APARTMENT HUNTING WENS I PRAY EVERYTHING WORKS IN MY FAVOR BECAUSE WORKING ON MYSELF WILL ALWAYS PAY OFF MORE THAN WAITING ON A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR ! 

How Lucky Are You

song:Friend Lover x Elektrik Red
mood:when u meet a new nigga (victim)and u start plottin on the dick like: 
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BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WROTE SOMETHING SO IMA DO A REAL QUICK UPDATE TBH I DONT REALLY HAVE MY HOPES UP OR ANYTHING BECAUSE THESE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS HAVE BEEN NERVE WRECKING !!!

• I'm not going to Vegas anymore so I'm bummed about that....
• I'm counting the small blessings and I'm not focused on making friends....

Okay, the interesting thing happened to me is : This guy HMU on facebook he's 14years my senior but looks damn good..... ***so you know ya girl started plottin******I found out a few things about the guy :)(:

• He's a single dad 
• Grew up with my mom
• He's laid back....

***We don't have much in common but he's good to look at, he's nice to look at, I heard he's a lethal weapon when it comes to oral sex*** I'm not really looking for a relationship so I'm just gonna role with the fo of things. . . I want to find me a dude who loves me more than I love him or like me more than I like him. 

THIS HIM THOUGH (YA'LL KNOW I'M ALWAYS COMING WITH RECEIPTS LOL)

My mom said he's a good guy and his parents raised him well :) which is a super plus for me. I already know if I had the opportunity to cap (sleep with) that I'ma do my thing. . . . I never been with a black guy so I'm tryna see what the hype is about. . . . This guy seems like my flavor too we stayed on the phone close to 3hrs last night & that's crazy to me because I hate being on the phone. He's different from any guy I've talked too he's a super gentleman that's willing to please a woman it was never a dull moment when we were on the phone. THE WHOLE TIME ON THE PHONE I'M LIKE IS THIS NIGGA THE REAL DEAl?,?.

Not once did he come at me sideways and when I did get mad he was quick to apologize. It's still hard to believe he's the real deal. . . He's an ideal black man even if he don't become my boyfriend whoever gets him will be lucky to have him he seems to be a good father too and has morals. If we stopped talking tomorrow I'm still going to wish him the best. I really would love to see where this is gonna go so I could see if I'm wasting my time or is this dude gonna be my FRIEND/LOVER & THAT'S WHAT I REALLY WANT EVEN IF HE DON'T Know IT. 

 

'I Don't Wanna Talk About What He Did.For Me, He'll Leave His Homies.Come Over And Put It On Me.He's My, Friend Lover. Lover Like No Other Fills Me Up When I'm Running Low On Love'.

to be continued 

! ! !

Little Lady

OH wow I've been down and out for the past day but the news I'm about to tell you really lifted my spirit ***thank god***

This is how it all began & I plan to mark the date (5/24/2016) 
Me , my son, and 3 of my siblings were outside I watched them play and had endless thoughts about my goals in life. So my mom called me looking at my phone I found that weird because why would she call me if she could have told me whatever she had to see just by looking out her bedroom window. 

When I answered she asked, "Guess what?"I instantly thought she would be asking to borrow money, tell me some gossip, or tell a joke. . . I'm like "what?". And she ran down to me telling my sister just got her period. I instantly told her I would be coming in the house all happy for her. Even though periods are not the best thing to happen to women, in my opinion, it's the first step into womanhood
I explained to my sister (after my mom did the motherly thing and talked to her first). I told her what else she needed to know, gave her one of my pads, even thought it was too big for her I told her how to put it on. All she wanted to do is just like pictures on Instagram then go to sleep. She acted like her regular self I acted nothing like that she got her period before I got mines I did not get mines until I turned 13 or 14 years old. 

Later that day I went to Walmart bought her everything she would need

• Pads
• Vaginal Wipes
• Panties
• Vaginal Spray
• Hand Sanitizer 
• Vaginal Powder 

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I'm so happy for her more so glad I am around to witness this . . . Hopefully, it gets easier from here on out and if I could do more I certainly would. If I ever have my own daughter I'm going to make sure I have a special kit prepared just for this. I hope it gets easier from this point on. . . I pray if she needs any advice she comes to her mother or me so she knows the right thing to do. I can't wait until she gets seen by a doctor so she'll know everything she needs to know before & after. 

Xoxo

ONE OF MANY STEPS OF WOMANHOOD 

Just Trying To Find My Prince Charming in a sea of fuckboy's

pro·logue-I'm so irritated , I feel like my time is being wasted but it's only fair I write what else that happened mainly for those that are interested.....SO HERE IT GOES

mood: I had to drink a glass of wine to calm my nerves

S.O.T.E.Fuck that nigga x Dj Mustard

⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅⛅

It's so strange how life works: You want something and you wait and wait and feel like it's taking forever to come. Then it happens and it's over and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before things changed.-Che-ray

Okay, so Chocolate Aries texted me I texted back, of course, his response was a late one . . . In My Opinion, people that wait too long to text need to be banned from texting... So the conversation came off as casual like always then he mentioned he had sex, I always tell my male friends to let me know when they have sex (I'm just weird like that). He brought it up but not in full detail . . . I'm going to insert the text messages here so the post won't be too long or take up to much of your time. 

ETA:AT THS POINT I HOPE THAT YOU READ & SAW

don't get me wrong I am happy for him for getting some. . . But I'm also mad . . . Like, This guy doesn't want to put in the effort with me but got time to smash a bitch that's not his type niggas say they don't like hoes but steady screwing them now that's my problem😡😒😡.... I haven't texted him back sense and I deactivated my FB so I don't have to see his contradicting foolery .... How you preaching you want a real woman but giving any hoe that comes your way the more time than you give someone you 'claim' to like..... Straight up ridiculous . . . I'm shocked I thought just because I get along with female Aries I would be able to get along with male Aries too guess the fuck not.

I've always had a fantasy of fucking with someone out of state but the way this dude acting I guess I'll neva get no outside Dick.... I'm really over it on god I'm not gonna even get mad or feel hurt but any guy that passes on me missing out. . . 

AND IM NOT GONNA LET NOTHING GET ME DOWN..

Overly Irritated

Not everyone is meant to be in your future. Some people are just passing through to teach you lessons in life.
[❤️]

Tonight , I'm just feeling overly irritated and mad at myself. I'm just tired of giving people chances to hurt me emotionally. When I do give people chances they make me regret opening up in the first place. I just need to accept the fact I will not have the type of friends or relationships I need in my life. Also I'll just keep the two people I have in my life close that I know who are there for me and WILL NOT make me feel like my time is being wasted. I just need to drop everyone that I have interest in just to focus on me from bettering my life, raising my son the best way I know how so he will grow up to be the furthest thing from Men who've hurt or lied to me in the past, and find a career that I love.

I know I should not be beating myself up for trying to see the good in people and give them chances after chances to do right. We as people fall short of God's grace all the time this whole situation has me wondering is this how God feels when we do stuff to displease him. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired I know it will be hard for me to ignore and drop people that I'm starting to care about or like talking to when things are going well. But I need to put myself first and see how many people care about me when I do fall back on hitting them up. I know the root of the problem is that I CARE TOO MUCH I just need to close myself down emotionally I know it is not good to do that , but I need to do what I gotta do so I'm not out here looking stupid.

I just wish I could transfer the way people make me feel onto them, so they could see what they are doing is wrong. I'm not even hurt that I have to drop people that don't care about me the way I want them too. I just want them out of my system that way if there name pop up on my phone or in my social media notification feed I won't get happy of feel the need to even give them a response. I know the wise saying 

When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time

All I need is my son, he's always there for me and will never let me down. Especially if I'm putting my best foot forward to make him one phenominal man. I thank god endlessly everyday for him. If it was not for my son I would be dying for attention and love from the wrong person. I just hope I can follow my own advice and stick firm to what I want to do. I just want to move forward in life and still be comfortable in being alone. My feelings are fragile and I cannot get them hurt anymore. No matter how people swear up and down they need someone like me in there life and they won't hurt me.  I'm not rushing anything because no one has more better timig than God #AMEN I thought relaitonships were hard but so is building a long lasting friendship. It's a process.... I'm forsure going to make sure I pass. . . Well I feel a little better I just needed to get this off my chest goodnight & thanks for listening.

xoxo
CHERRY