Bring It All Together Oh Lord

Tryna live by faith & not by frustration

Hey , 

it's been forever there is so much I want to say but I do not know if I can put it all into words. 
1)I'm pregnant 12 weeks as of today ; I still cannot believe it myself. I'm not ready for another baby at all I never thought I could love another besides my son but I WILL have TOO ! since I'm keeping it. 
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2)I'm not living with my mom but I'm not living in a better place either so I'm looking for a nice little apartment for me and the kids to live in for the meantime, then afterward(s) get on and out of California. I don't have any help here so I would like to just get on my own two feet start over , do better for me and my kids.
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3)The dad is happy . . . but I know for a fact that it is not going to work out for us this pregnancy was a complete accident !!! He does not have my back , cannot be trusted, and just does not seem to be making it a priority to get us a place together this baby is not going to wait on us to get our shit together so why should I . . . . 
I wish I could just skip this part of my life and have a perfect or better than what I have reality like my girl Carrie Bradshaw -or- Terri Van Adams....But better days come when they want to not overnight right. Besides me freaking out about this . . . Wishing I had emotional support from my mom but I don't .... sometimes I wonder if I came from a two-parent home would I still be going through the same shit I 'm going through with family. 
I promise I WILL NOT BE THE PARENT TO WHERE MY KIDS THINK I'M NOT THERE FOR THEM.... 

On a brighter side ,I am looking forward to putting Kayden in school when we get settled. He's too smart to be home with me he's my first born so I want him to excel at everything in L.I.f.e. 
I still cannot believe I'm pregnant maybe it will all feel real to me when I feel those little baby kicks. 

Anyways , not going to take up to much of anyone's time please keep me and my babies in prayer hopefully when I'm back on here it'll be good news.

Overly Irritated

Not everyone is meant to be in your future. Some people are just passing through to teach you lessons in life.
[❤️]

Tonight , I'm just feeling overly irritated and mad at myself. I'm just tired of giving people chances to hurt me emotionally. When I do give people chances they make me regret opening up in the first place. I just need to accept the fact I will not have the type of friends or relationships I need in my life. Also I'll just keep the two people I have in my life close that I know who are there for me and WILL NOT make me feel like my time is being wasted. I just need to drop everyone that I have interest in just to focus on me from bettering my life, raising my son the best way I know how so he will grow up to be the furthest thing from Men who've hurt or lied to me in the past, and find a career that I love.

I know I should not be beating myself up for trying to see the good in people and give them chances after chances to do right. We as people fall short of God's grace all the time this whole situation has me wondering is this how God feels when we do stuff to displease him. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired I know it will be hard for me to ignore and drop people that I'm starting to care about or like talking to when things are going well. But I need to put myself first and see how many people care about me when I do fall back on hitting them up. I know the root of the problem is that I CARE TOO MUCH I just need to close myself down emotionally I know it is not good to do that , but I need to do what I gotta do so I'm not out here looking stupid.

I just wish I could transfer the way people make me feel onto them, so they could see what they are doing is wrong. I'm not even hurt that I have to drop people that don't care about me the way I want them too. I just want them out of my system that way if there name pop up on my phone or in my social media notification feed I won't get happy of feel the need to even give them a response. I know the wise saying 

When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time

All I need is my son, he's always there for me and will never let me down. Especially if I'm putting my best foot forward to make him one phenominal man. I thank god endlessly everyday for him. If it was not for my son I would be dying for attention and love from the wrong person. I just hope I can follow my own advice and stick firm to what I want to do. I just want to move forward in life and still be comfortable in being alone. My feelings are fragile and I cannot get them hurt anymore. No matter how people swear up and down they need someone like me in there life and they won't hurt me.  I'm not rushing anything because no one has more better timig than God #AMEN I thought relaitonships were hard but so is building a long lasting friendship. It's a process.... I'm forsure going to make sure I pass. . . Well I feel a little better I just needed to get this off my chest goodnight & thanks for listening.

xoxo
CHERRY 

Gonna Make A Change-Michael Jackson,

I'm most proud of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me, in my life. He's given me the vision to truly see that you can fall down, but you can still get back up. Hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes and have the opportunity to strengthen and improve the next thing I do. Martin Lawrence

Today was an okay day nobody in THIS HOUSE bothered me . . . I made a few calls and answered a few questions that I am hoping changes my future for the best. Tonight my mom tried to start problems with me and talk about my health . . . It's frustrating when you do the best you can for someone and they want more . . . You can give a person an arm, leg, and hand then they'll turn around and want your whole f*cking body. I'm not even going to let this get to me I need to cling on to god more and pray to him silently and aloud when someone is coming for me.

I need to remind myself just as much as god loves everyone else he loves me the same way . . . If I had more faith and prayed hard for other people to be blessed for myself I believe I would be okay. I'm sick and tired of being critical of everything I do, trying to take more than I'm willing to give, speaking bad on my name, speaking bad on my parenting, and just trying to break me down because they feel broken inside. 

As bad as I want to blast someone and throw dirt on people name like they do me. I can never do that especially if I want to get blessed and be placed in a better position in life. I just need to learn how to tune people out more and not bother to respond no matter how hard they are looking for a reaction.

I'm never going to feel bad for doing what is best for me and my son no matter how bad someone tries to make me feel. I do not owe anyone an explanation but myself, my son, and God.

ETA:I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS YA'LL JUST PRAY FOR ME AND DROP OFF SOME ENCOURAGING WORDS IF YOU CAN GOD BLESS US ALL. . . 

xoxo,