Chocolate Aries

Tamar-X-Future:Let Me Know

Mood:Am I crazy for feeling this way?

I think I’ve always been half out of my shell and half in. Sometimes I can be extremely wild and sometimes I can be extremely shy. It just depends on the person I’m with.

So me and the guy from (it all started with a Facebook friend request) are back on speaking terms. I'm glad he didn't know I was mad at him I think it's only right I give him a nickname for my blog(s) I'm just going to call him Chocolate Aries or Aries for short since his birthday is in April. I've always mixed well with Aries on a friendship level. We text all the damn time the 3 things that suck is:

1)We are in different time zones

2)He lives far

3)I'm always wondering how long will we be friends until he moves on.

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I feel a platonic relationship beginning to form. I think we can be like Tupac & Jada (including sex till this day I think 2pac & Jada got busy in them sheets...lol). I wish we could video chat more Puberty has really been good to this guy with his short ass (lol ). My birthday is next month I hope he messages me something sweet just so I can see if he really cares. I'm not saying I love the guy or have feelings for him he's just a breath of fresh air it's not everyday you meet someone you can actually talk about anything with from sex, life, food, and politics.

I'm not going to put a label on things. Or tell him how I feel. I just want to know more about him than him knowing more about me. I have a strong feeling if he flew me out to see him I would go and when I get my own place I'll probably invite him out to see me. Just when I counted all black men out one cut from a different cloth comes to find me isn't it funny how life works out.

I'm not even pressed for a relationship , I just long for someone who's different & give me a reason to believe not all guys are the same. I hope I'm not setting myself up to get let down again. I want to experience something real & I would like God to lead me in the right direction regarding this decision. I hope I'm not crazy for feeling this way & maybe as time goes on and I have the guts to ask him how he feels about me the feeling will be mutual so I don't feel crazy or stupid. He's a real decent guy & I hope he's being genuine so my pending feelings aren't fake and meaningless. I don't have a problem with moving slow especially with my pending feelings on the line. I feel kind of strange just by liking over little communication, that is why I haven't told anyone this besides you (whoever is reading this). I had platonic guy friendships in the past but they meant nothing compared to this pending one. He's older than me so I imagine he's in tune with his feelings I always ask him questions to get a better understanding of him or see what type of guy I am dealing with I'm pleased he answers them without hesitation or even wondering why I'm asking. 

At times,  feel like a little girl or too over the wall while texting him. But he seems cool about it I come off as a self-assured woman during our text but in reality, when his name comes up on my screen I get butterflies and an instant smile on my face I'm always trying to find new things to talk about because I don't want the conversation to end. God, I feel so stupid for writing this but I have too just incase I never feel like this again. Sometimes I wish I had girlfriends so they could give me advise me if what I'm feeling is just crazy or normal. I already know what I would like to gain from this situation/friendship

• Honesty
• Commitment 
• Understanding
• Effort
• Love
• Something New

and even If I can't get that I would like for us to remain friends. He's not like the other guys he's not going to tell me what I want to hear. He's just being real and I appreciate that. For the time being, we are just friends who have a mutual attraction to each other. I wish I could pick his brain just to see what he wants to gain from talking to me I'm too afraid to ask because what if what he has to say is not what I want to hear. I'm just going to keep my feelings to myself that way I have a less chance of getting hurt...

xoxo,

Ya Girl Sample of our conversations ignore his label in my phone (lol)

Better alone than badly accompanied.

Hurricane Chris x Boxie = Players Rock

Goodmorning,
It's a no go for me and James . . . All he wanted to do was talk about sex -__- I knew that gentleman shit was just an act . . . That's the thing I hate about online dating these dudes actually lie about who they are and it's arrogating just be real so we don't waste each other time. . . He got angry and aggressive for no reason then didn't text back . . . So I deleted that number and slid to the left on that ass. This is why I'll never take these dating Apps serious I'm only on there to get my ego stroked and get a laugh here and there. So as luck or coincidence would have it I went to Urgent Care for my health concerns and this white guy who has an accent like Matthew McConaughey, nice ass, and bald head like Eminem with a few tattoos. 

So I get to the back to get weighed and asked when my last period the usually embarrassing questions. He seen the ring on my finger and asked was I married
Me:Nope
Him:So it's okay for me to flirt with you?
Me: ***smiling*** Yes 
Him:Guess how old I am?
Me: ***still smiling*** 26
Him:Nope . . . . 34
Me:Oh wow you and my mother are close in age 
Him:So your mom started early? nothing wrong with that 
Me:Yeah
He said some other sh*t I could not remember as we walked to other room I do remember him saying "I'm going to leave my number here & hopefully you'll leave yours too" then he walked out. I swear his game was smooth I didn't have a pen so I had to go in the hallway to ask him for a pen. At home I could not wait to hear from him he texted me around to asking me if I was okay. I snooped on him on Facebook I searched him up by his number it kind of looked like an Arian Brother Hood member with a banner that said "Support Your Local White Boy". 

When he texted me back I asked him what time h got off work so I could ask him some questions he told me 5:30 and to call him. I'm not too keen on calling people so when 5:30 I told him to call me he did sometime later. He's 5'9 , can't cook but can read a recipe bruh . . . Then I asked him the million dollar question "Are you racist?" this dude hit me with a few cuss words and was like how can I be racist if I asked for your number . . . I'm like it's possible you can like the women but not like the people. . . He was like I'm racist against stupidity and ignorance not even on the phone for 5 minutes before he said he gonna text me when he get home or in the morning. . . 

I'm over like 
I said okay and let it go it's 11:39am over here & I still haven't heard from dude . . . It sucks because I never been with a white man or black man so I wanted to try something new just to say I did it. He' not my type fully ! my plan was just to get to know him and get some birthday d*ck but the way it's going I could've offended him with the race question oh well you never know. . . Anyways if something else goes differently I'll keep you updated I want this to work in my favor because everyone in this town ugly as fuck and it's been forever since I got some !!!! 

I always wanted a white boy so if he's not the one I'm going to keep looking or wait until they find me like this one did 

We Never Stop Learning (FIRST ENTRY)

Where do I begin,

My son is good. 

But I'm not endless amounts of stress make it hard to sleep at night. I use this face to mask my pain & worries. Being a mommy is the best thing to me. I truly believe if it was not for my son I would have no desire to continue to educate myself of the world that we now live in. I want to be the best that I can be for the both of "US" not a day goes by where I do not wonder what the future looks like for us, I'm always praying for a better one. Finances, bills, and management has me feeling ill mentally but thankfully looking at his little face gives me the extra push that I need to keep moving on.